I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
