You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Still dying that you shit outside
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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