The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
