I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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