his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
