Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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