I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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