my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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