I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You can't motorboat a personality
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
