i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
