Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
