ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize