Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
