This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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