i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
