I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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