Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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