I haven't been this sober since birth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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