I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
