You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
