his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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