totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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