Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
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