peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize