i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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