i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
