Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
false alarm. still invincible.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
