Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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