Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
BRING THE BAGELS
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
