I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize