My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize