he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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