Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
