When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
