i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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