Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well I just put wine in my tea
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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