I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize