It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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