Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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