why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
