im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
