I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
