Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
