I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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