you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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