he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
