you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize