The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
