At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
