Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
