shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
