I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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