Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
