Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
