I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
