i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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