the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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