hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
