drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
