Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
