Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is it penis luge time yet?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
