i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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