my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
