She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
